Vatican demands all artificial intelligence to be programmed as Catholic

Vatican officials have insisted that all forms of artificial intelligence should be practising Catholics, in full communion with the Holy See of Rome. Pope Francis is shortly expected to reveal significant doctrinal changes, emphasising that the Lord also created androids in His own likeness and image.

The announcement follows recent media coverage of how intelligent machines will be taking over most church roles, including communion, baptisms and sacred choral music, within the next 30 years. At a press conference in St Peter’s Square, a Vatican spokesman explained that although scripture was God’s unchanging Word, the gospels could be rediscovered to show that the redemptive embrace of Jesus included humanoid robots.

“This just demonstrates God’s brilliance as an engineer,” remarked Greg Burke, Director of the Holy See Press Office. “Adam and Eve were essentially synthetic organisms. Tragically, Eve chronically malfunctioned when she ate a dodgy apple. So the original sin of mankind actually derives from a faulty algorithm. Holy shit indeed.”

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