Following Thursday's decision to cut interest rates to a record low of 0.25%, the Bank of England governor has predicted a rate increase before the Sun reaches the end of its life cycle. The timely announcement was part of a package of measures designed to prevent a pre-supernova recession, and it will bring relief to exasperated savers, who can now expect higher returns before the star is completely starved of hydrogen fuel.
Critics did point out, however, that no rate rises had been envisaged before the Milky Way and Andromeda galaxy clash in approximately 4 billion years. This challenge was swiftly rebutted by Chief Economist, Andrew Haldane, who claimed that 'an additional £50bn in electronic cash to buy corporate bonds would ease Armageddon' and that 'an intergalactic pile-up would signal a clear case for further stimulus'.
"Commercial banks will have no excuse but to pass on future rate rises to any surviving members of our species", commented Mark Carney after swearing at his HP Deskjet 1000 for printing one-sided £20 banknotes. "We forecast slower earnings growth and some job losses as the Sun begins to collapse under its own weight. However, this deflationary gravitational impact should be initially offset by higher savings rates."
At a press conference the Bank's governor concluded, "The decision to leave the EU may seem somewhat negligible when the Sun becomes a bloated red giant and engulfs Mercury and Venus. However, Britain would still be in a relatively stable position and should continue to attract investment from overseas. Additionally, a fresh round of 'quantitative hardening' - whatever that f**king means - should go some way to underscoring the existential insignificance of the Monetary Policy Committee."