Ugandan orphan berates UK sponsor for tiresome correspondence

6 year-old orphan, Katungi Zuluka, from the Ugandan village of Ruhanga, has heavily criticised his UK sponsor for sending him mind-numbingly dull letters on a regular basis. 37 year-old Jeanette Oliver from Whitby was surprised to receive a card from the African child condemning her "poor grasp of English grammar" and "unstimulating prose". Katungi had also recently learned, through village gossip, that Miss Oliver rejected a small increase in her monthly donation to fund a new health centre for malnourished children. He discreetly remarked to the volunteer workers at his orphanage that she would have 'a continent's blood on her hands'.

Katungi spoke to Our Daily Bread, "I was tired when I read her latest letter after the 8-mile walk home from school. And I know she's not Jane Austen, but I cannot forgive a misunderstanding of 'their, they're and there'. She regularly fails to add a comma before the coordinator in a compound sentence, and don't get me started on double negatives. The content doesn't fare much better. Apparently she went to a zoo last month. Who gives a shit? My parents died from AIDS."

Katungi has now stipulated a university educated sponsor with a post-graduate qualification in creative writing. Moreover, the problem of substandard letters is not limited to his village but widespread across Africa. Children from a Nigerian orphanage, for example, have begged sponsors to only send US dollars. The most heartbreaking story of all, however, is that of an orphan from Botswana who instructed the charity to delete her profile.

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