Last night, President Erdogan fulfilled a lifelong dream, as he became the worthy recipient of every tyrant’s most esteemed accolade: the infamous Stalin Factor. Due to another last-minute purge of state institutions, the Turkish leader could not be present at the Kremlin to accept the award in person. However, he did allow a televised acceptance speech from his throne, at the show trial of suspected coup plotters.
“A golden statuette of Josef just makes it all worthwhile," said the delighted Turkish President. "Hopefully, the death penalty vote in parliament will go the right way too - the very essence of a democracy. I will slaughter every last one of those traitors, if it's the will of the people. F**k the EU. I'd actually rather be part of the Soviet Union. And we promise not to shoot down any more Russian warplanes...as long as they fly over Syria and bomb our congested detention centres."
Unfortunately, the President of Syria, Bashar al-Assad, failed to make the final round because judges deemed that he lacked 'cult of personality'. Meanwhile, Vladimir Putin was excluded from the competition after testing positive for 134 prohibited substances – a spokesperson for the Russian President disclosed that, despite the ban, he was very proud of attaining a new state-sponsored world record.
After threatening his way to the final stages, a despondent Kim Jong-Un walked away empty handed. The tearful North Korean despot promised he would be back next year with stronger nuclear capability. He hinted that more family executions and a proposed extension to his concentration camp network might also bolster his chances. Private sources reveal that he would even be willing to orchestrate another major famine and sport a handlebar moustache to be guaranteed the top prize in 2017.