A recent study confirms that straight white men continue to miss out on being victimised for their sexuality, race and gender. Indeed, many have argued that this is a form of discrimination in itself. Consequently, male heterosexual activist groups are springing up throughout the UK under a new umbrella movement labelled ‘NLNGNBNT’ – short for ‘neither lesbian nor gay nor bisexual nor transgender’.

To counter the lack of persecution, NLNGNBNT have initiated plans to create a major new world religion, where men are considered derivative of women, and heterosexuals are labelled ‘objectively disordered’. An elite squad of lesbians from ethnic minority backgrounds will govern a matriarchal divine hierarchy, stoking anti-hetero sentiment through a bigoted holy book and a capricious female deity. Straight white men will be barred from sacred ordination and are likely to face persecution from a sustained heterophobic campaign named ‘Pray In The Gay’. History would also be revised so that a black ruling class could gloat about freeing white slaves from brutal oppression.

The NLNGNBNT community looks forward to a future scenario where opposite-sex marriage has been legally forbidden, and where transgender couples become the optimal marital union for raising children. Additionally, the activists would initially pursue 'no holds barred discrimination' when seeking employment, job promotion or gender pay equality. This would create the perfect social context in which straight white men could launch a long and arduous fightback against oppression, punctuated with victory after victory in the courts.

“Sometimes I wish I was a black homosexual,” said 25 year-old Danny Adams. “I want to be part of something bigger than myself, and the struggle for emancipation from persecution and intolerance would be perfect. Otherwise, my life is just about football. Of course, there are limits; for example, I wouldn’t enjoy being subjected to anal probing in Kenya or Tunisia, where sodomy isn't looked upon very favourably. But I do like the colours of the rainbow.”