Spate of middle class panic attacks linked to avocado shortfall in larder

A dearth of avocados in the pantry has been linked to a recent wave of panic attacks across middle class homes. The shocking discovery was made following the online broadcast of a woman who was both hyperventilating and yelling for 'some f**cking guacamole on rye bread'. Fortunately, for 41 year-old Sarah Kendall from Weybridge, her online Ocado delivery arrived just in time: after 2 hours of frenzied negotiation, the supermarket driver managed to dissuade the unhinged mother from jumping off the 3-storey Georgian home’s roof terrace. The hero calmly handled the situation by promising to replenish her bespoke walk-in larder with surplus organic avocados.

“It had been a really difficult week” began Mrs Kendall, after cursing her toaster for having no bagel setting. “I guess things just got the better of me. Firstly, there was no fresh tarragon left at the deli. Then I forgot the name of our Slovakian cleaner. To top it all off I cut my iPad finger on a broken soufflé ramakin.”

More middle-income victims have now come forward to speak of similar traumas when pomegranates and acai berries are in short supply. A couple from Kent experienced heart palpitations and a choking sensation because their Waitrose store failed to restock a limited edition kale and smoked ricotta pesto. Finally, a man from Surrey suffered nausea, tingling fingers and ringing in his ears when his local M&S ran out of coconut water with watermelon juice. In a panic-stricken text message to parents, he wrote, “I see no point in carrying on. First Brexit and now this. Sorry and goodbye x PS there is leftover gluten-free cranberry-almond quinoa salad with hemp seeds and basil in the fridge. I cannot take it with me.”

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