Angry South West rail travellers were today demanding legal action against a commuter who did not seem clinically depressed about his morning journey to work. Passengers on the 7:18 train from Kingston to London Waterloo were aghast to observe a young man who was neither hungover, nor asleep, nor wallowing in suicidal despair at the futility of his existence. Instead, 28 year-old Spencer Watson, gazed out of the window, with a knowing but almost mocking smile, as if to appear genuinely happy with his future career prospects. The uncompromising grin lasted for 4 minutes, long enough to trigger widespread hysteria in a quiet zone carriage.
"It just seemed so vindictive" said fellow passenger Lisa Smith. She continued, "The smug bastard thought he could come onto our train and exude a veneer of rampant job satisfaction. He also had one of those really big posh faces that you just want to punch. If you know what I mean."
Another commuter James Baker told us "I'd never pulled the emergency alarm before. I guess you never think you'll need to. I felt sick to the pit of my stomach and just wanted him to stop. I begged him to stop. 'You're a monster' I screamed, 'You're killing us'. A few minutes later I had passed out."
On arrival at Waterloo, train driver, Alan Barker, described carriage F as 'a scene of hellish misery'. "So not that unusual", he added. "However, I did see a young man skipping along the platform. He appeared to be in quite a jovial mood and was whistling 'Always Look on the Bright Side of Life' to himself.
Later that evening, we managed to ask Spencer what he had been so happy about. He remarked, "Well I was fired last week and on the way to an interview. I guess I was relishing the fact that I'll never have to see my old boss again."