Following the annual Trooping the Colour ceremony on her 90^th birthday, the Queen has confessed that she would have preferred ‘a quiet one’. Her Majesty admitted privately to Prince Phillip that she was ‘bored shitless’, and that the day peaked with excitement when a guardsman fainted at Horse Guards Parade. In the build up to celebrations, the head of state prayed vigorously for another rail strike, which had cancelled the 1955 event. Alongside her divine pleas, she allegedly tried to bribe the general secretary of the RMT, Mick Cash, with promises of gold bullion and free Oyster travel.

“Excuse my French but why the flying f**k is my granddaughter Beatrice wearing fancy dress?” asked the Queen, prior to warning her husband about his casual racism, as they were escorted down the Mall. “At least darling Eugenie made an effort. I’ve always preferred her. Phillp dear, please stop banging on about immigrants. Only half of them are criminals. Can we have Beatrice taken to the Tower on Tuesday?”