Posh voices to be regulated in public

Debate continues to be polarised in the House of Commons over the regulation of posh voices in public. It is now understood that UK citizens will have the right to voice disapproval, but they will not be authorised to carry firearms. Discussions are still ongoing as to whether Tasers could be permitted in quiet zone carriages. In a similar role to sky marshalls post 9/11, bus and train inspectors will now be weaponised and licensed to take out any credible threat of audibly ruthless poshness.

The Labour party is lobbying for changes to the Terrorism Act under which a 'brazen act of poshness' could lead to 28 days detention without charge. The Tories are labelling the proposals as undeniably bigoted with David Cameron upholding 'the right to be conspicuously and bigheadedly posh'.

"Poshness is for the individual and not for the state," said Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn. "We either ban it in public or implement progressive tax rates based on the severity of poshness. However, we must allow authorised public officials to take the law into their own hands, especially when confronted with the plummiest of voices."

"I witnessed a train inspector give 2 warnings before carrying out a fatal head shot near the refreshment trolley," said a visibly shaken Irene Turner, who was travelling on the 16:30 train from London to Bath Spa. "It all happened so quickly. One minute the young lady was talking loudly to Harriet about her 'gap yah' and 'Millie's lush new boyfriend' and the next she was lying in a posh pool of her own posh blood. At least the train wasn't delayed."

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