People who love the sound of their own voice to be muzzled

Under new legislation to be ratified this week, people who love the sound of their own voice will be muzzled. Following mass outbreaks of human self-absorption, the UK government has stepped in with a radical preventative measure, in an attempt to resurrect an ancient process known as ‘listening’. Human muzzles are due to fall under prescription medication, which can be authorised by friends and families by writing to the blabbermouth’s GP. Additionally, incessant babblers will attend rehabilitation centres in order to rediscover the lost art of paying attention to any human voice, which is not their own.

Muzzle guidelines will be distributed with each over-the-counter purchase and will comprise the circumstances under which the apparatus should be enforced. These include:

- If patients drone on about themselves, without pause, for over 30 minutes
- If patients fail to ask a single interrogative question of other parties throughout the duration of the entire conversation
- If more than 3 gaps in conversation are used to revert the subject matter back to the patient
- If patients interrupt other parties on a frequent basis to continue talking about themselves

The muzzle will come in a range of different colours, which serve to demonstrate the severity of the condition. Pink muzzles will be for the most extreme blatherers who cannot engage in any non-self related conversation. Green muzzles, in contrast, will be for those chatterboxes who at least pretend to listen, but who still fail to be interested in anything but their own ego. 

Through the enforcement of muzzles the government hopes to meet an ambitious manifesto pledge of getting 20% of the population into ‘active listening’ by the end of the year.

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