An office worker is in a critical condition following an onslaught of questions, comments, criticisms and recommendations about her packed lunch.
Sarah Denton, 27, from London, has been subjected to a gruelling 30 minute interrogation regarding her simple but innocent chicken salad. Unable to take a first bite until 3 colleagues had individually grilled her, she felt 'like a terror suspect on detention without charge'.
"Do you never add a low fat dressing? A bit dry isn't it?" questioned team member Kate Phillips. "Have you thought about substituting lettuce for kale? I find it holds up better and doesn't get so soggy. It's a superfood you know. Have you thought about using a slimline bento lunch box rather than standard Tupperware? They are dishwasher friendly and come with perfectly proportioned leakproof compartments. You've spilt some coleslaw on your keyboard."
"Are you getting enough protein?" asked colleague and gym freak Greg Pelling. "I'd need to eat at least 3 of those chicken breasts. I have my whey protein shake around 3pm, and some cottage cheese shortly after. It generates 20 grams of protein per 5 ounce serving. I don't know how you get through the afternoon. Have you thought about personal training? Are you sleeping ok? If I were you, I'd substitute the potato salad for a hardboiled egg and some roasted chickpeas."
"Far too many calories for me," remarked team leader and weight watchers enthusiast Lisa Parry. "It would breach my lunch points allowance unless I cut back on that creamy coleslaw you've loaded on. Don't get me wrong, I'm allowed the odd splurge but there are limits. Do you know how much sugar there is in a jar of pasta sauce? It's terrifying. Do you fancy going out for lunch on Friday?"
Tragically, Sarah slipped into a coma at her desk before finishing her yoghurt.