Obama endorses 'sit-down pee' to quell gender identity bathroom crisis

Barack Obama has given a public seal of approval to urinate in a seated position, in light of America's ongoing gender identity bathroom row.

The toilet announcement came yesterday after a federal court in Texas blocked new US school rules for accommodating transgender students. A spokesman for the White House stated that a costly legal battle in the Supreme Court could be avoided, but only if urinals were completely eliminated by the end of 2016. Reporters were told that irrespective of gender, forcing a student to take a leak standing up, was 'unconstitutional'.

"No more penis fly catcher," said the President, after leaving the toilet seat down for his wife Michelle. "Trust me when I say that getting your dangly bits caught in the zipper is not a pleasant experience. Additionally, sitting down creates a more favourable urodynamic profile, which helps to ward off prostate problems. And when I'm totally smashed or monged out, I still hit the target, 100% of the time."

Republican Senators responded swiftly, denouncing the Obama administration's 'illegal federal overreach' and paving the way for a possible 28th Amendment: the right to discharge urine standing up. Presidential nominee, Donald Trump, even promised to build a wall inside public school restrooms to segregate transgender students and ensure they are 'necessarily marginalised'. He also highlighted the benefits of urinal target practice when shooting from a longer distance, stressing this created a much safer environment.

Texas attorney general Ken Paxton argued, "This President is attempting to rewrite established restroom laws enacted by the elected representatives of the people. Gender identity is a serious issue: his endorsement of sitting down to pee only proves he's a sissy little bitch."

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