This week, the government has announced that a new supervisory authority will be established to monitor parental bragging rights. The agency will predominantly seek to restore a level playing field in the market for offspring accomplishment, and will have a statutory duty to protect the public from child-centred gloating. Anti-competitive conduct by parents has been widely reported outside schools, in the workplace and at dinner parties throughout the UK, resulting from significantly embellished claims of academic and sporting attainment.

Over-the-top advertisements of children's achievements are ubiquitous, from social media videos of 'our adorable Sophie screaming her first expletive' to garden barbecue announcements that 'little Tommy has just shat on his hands'. To counter the growing threat of 'hyper-parenting', all citizens will be encouraged to divulge any flagrant breaches of social conduct to the regulator, targeting neighbours, work colleagues and school parents who boast incessantly about their child’s latest triumph.

An anonymous whistleblowing hotline will also assist those finding it difficult to expose a long-term family friend, who makes barely credible statements, for example, about her son’s fast-tracked judo belt progression. Additionally, plain-clothes field officers will eavesdrop on primary school parents during pickup time to ensure that all gold star success stories can be independently validated.

"This is just another example of nanny state interference," remarked the mother of a self-professed 'child genius'. "My James is the smartest, bravest and best kid in the world. This is a fact. I claim the right to tell EVERYONE that he passed his piano grade 8 exam wearing a blindfold and earplugs, prior to beating an IBM supercomputer at chess. He's 5 years old. Deal with it."

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