A new lifestyle app called ‘Slouch Potato’ has become very popular with people who dislike physical exercise. It allows the user to share frequent online updates with specific data on when you’re being a fat, lazy shit. It can be used as a training tool for marathon TV binge sessions and has frequent cross-promotional offers with Dominos pizza and local kebab shops. Through the app, subscribers can inform friends about their heart rate, blood pressure and cholesterol level whilst they lay on the sofa, gorging on fast food and watching other people watch TV on Gogglebox.

 “I don’t like to brag, but I’m lounging really hard at the moment”, said 41 year-old Keith Phillips from York. “I’m in training for a Star Wars film session at the end of next month, so currently I’m focussing on carb-loading with pizza, crisps and beer. I’ve been sharing my progress online and everyone has been so supportive, with really uplifting comments like ‘we’re so proud of you’, and ‘your cholesterol is through the roof – well done!’. The encouragement has been so important in helping to achieve my mid-term objective of high blood pressure above 140/90. When I released the data on Facebook it received 357 likes. How could you not be inspired?”

Slouch Potato faces direct competition from health and fitness apps, which empower users to warn friends about a jog in the park. In order to prize people away from these traditional programs, new customers are being offered a free Lamb Shawarma with every download. The app also has the benefit of GPS navigation so that users can be absolutely certain of a consistent, stationary position. Premium access allows features such as customised slouching plans, a vocal coach and a selection of power ballads to enjoy whilst you are slumped.

“It might be a cliché but life really is about the journey and not the destination”, concluded Keith, before tweeting that he’d watched 27 Game of Thrones episodes without using the bathroom.