A recent study reveals that half of the human race has been reprimanded by women for a woeful inability to read their minds. Men have come under a series of attacks, ranging from stone-cold silence to "I shouldn't need to tell you why I'm angry", culminating with "Do you even know what you're fucking apologising for?". In some cases, a stream of invective is followed by a ceramic missile usually aimed at the target's head. A significant number of male victims are now understood to be studying telepathy in evening colleges across the UK.

"My wife's got a ferocious temper when I don't connect the dots", said 37 year-old Alan Jones from Surrey. "That's why I'm back at school reading Uri Geller. The bold question 'What's the matter dear?' is usually rebuffed with an apocalypse of expletives, so I essentially need to understand the problem before she does."

Women dispute many of these claims, arguing that emotional intelligence is superior in male baboons. They complain that heated quarrels develop because their partners don't use exactly the right words at exactly the right time. Many females also stipulate that all conflict must end with a sincere male apology, followed up by a 'please forgive me' head massage and a large glass of wine.

"What's so difficult about my boyfriend engaging telepathically and understanding my deepest concerns and anxieties in real time?" questioned 27 year-old Karen White . "I can read him like a nursery rhyme, and I always know when he needs beer, sex, food or sleep. It's not rocket science."