A marginal fall in top A-Level grades has been blamed on unphotogenic students, who were deemed slightly less attractive than their peers. The proportion of A* and A grades was down by 0.1% on last year, leading some teachers to question the continuing viability of popular acne treatment creams. Once again, girls have outperformed boys due to a stark contrast in methods of personal hygiene. Surprisingly, the overall pass rate of 98.1% remained the same, despite a small reduction in the number of pretty little things studying French.

"I saw this year's press photos before the headlines, and I knew we were in trouble" said Malcolm Trobe, leader of the ASCL headteacher's union. "These students were undeniably good-looking, yet there were some, at the fringes, who perhaps wouldn't have made the cut last year. One of the boys even dressed like a Goth. I mean really. A final distressing sight was a girl who failed to jump at the right moment, and conspicuously lagged behind her colleagues. I dread to think if she had suffered a B grade."