Mankinis 'not impacted' by burkini ban in France

Following the ban on burkinis at the French Riviera resort, the mayor of Cannes, David Lisnard has reiterated that mankinis are still 'acceptable beachwear'. He said that the men's one-piece bathing garment, covering the crotch and extending up to form shoulder straps, 'respects good customs and secularism' - a founding principle of the Republic. 

Critics of the policy responded immediately, claiming that the infamous swimming attire was religiously identified with the radical Kazhakstan Orthodox church, and therefore liable to create risks of disrupting public order. "Is a full-piece swimsuit likely to provoke more terror than a middle-aged bum crack?" asked Christine Medin, director of the Collective against Mankinis in France. "Will the 38 euro fine on burkinis be reinvested in firmer male buttocks and free beach supplies of arse hair removal cream?"

Thierry Migloule, head of municipal services for the town, dismissed these 'baseless allegations' and stated that it was 'business as usual' for all mankini pool parties across the region.

Meanwhile, Islamic State has retaliated aggressively and banned tourists from wearing speedos, googles or armbands at resorts throughout all occupied territories. One small concession is a willingness to tolerate all military tank-like inflatables, which demonstrate clear allegiance to the Salafi jihadist group.

A German tourist in the picturesque city of IS-held Aleppo in Syria, recently came unstuck at his hotel swimming pool, when fundamentalist lifeguards found him on a regulation lilo, displaying no ostentatious affiliation to a radical Islamist ideology. After a public dressing down, the Stuttgart man was mercilessly sentenced to 30 lengths of the pool, comprising 50% freestyle and 50% butterfly technique.

The battle lines have now been drawn. A group of lawyers has vowed to fight for a new ruling in France, considering a recent study on the link between male V-thong shaped swimsuits and female cataract surgery.

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