Historians have confirmed today that the reality of the present moment is going to make you unbearably anxious. They argue that dwelling intensely on the past is the key to nourishing your discontented soul and experiencing transcendence. A cult of backward-looking extremists have even argued that we should use genetic engineering to reverse the evolutionary path to the relative peace of the vegetable. The controversial claims are now being frantically investigated by life coaches, psychotherapists, and the Dalai Lama.
"Incessant thinking about the past is not a disease", explained James Langley, founder of the Institute for Enlightened Shame. "One can find that realm of inner stillness only by remembering the extraordinary fashion sense you freely adopted when you were 16."
Spiritual gurus have fought back defending the orthodox view that we must be sensitive to the simple and subtle joys of life: for example, helping a young child to potty train or staring at a sunflower for 7 hours. Office workers have also lashed out, arguing that the present drudgery of their lives is entirely palatable considering the 'future reality' of uploading sunset photos on Instagram.
Oxford History Professor Mark Holden attempts to debunk both philosophies in his new book, The Power of the Past. He remarked, "We need to raise consciousness by illuminating the number of irredeemable mistakes that we have made in our lives. I mean who hasn't committed adultery after the office Christmas party?! And who hasn't skipped the odd child support payment to pay for more scotch? Oops! Only then will you experience a radical inner transformation, predicated on the knowledge that there is finitude to these fuck ups because you'll be dead fairly soon. It certainly puts a spring in my step."