"Life as a pornstar would not make me happy", says morbidly obese alcoholic

30 stone Brian Clemence confirmed today, from his heavy duty reinforced bed, that the porn industry wasn't for him. Whilst munching on a fried chicken drumstick he explained that the route to happiness was not limitless sexual intercourse with beautiful women, if the opportunity ever arose. He dismissed such a career as 'intellectually vacuous' before taking an enormous swig of vodka and belching aggressively. Brian, who is no longer able to work for health and space reasons, has watched a significant amount of porn whilst enjoying state benefits. As a result he claims the right to express an informed opinion about life as a sex god.

"It just wouldn't provide me with enough mental stimulation", he began, after dislodging some trapped chicken skin from his mouth's posterior. "And there is something too detached and clinical about being paid to initiate consecutive female orgasms."

Brian lives alone but is supported by a female nurse who provides bathroom assistance on a daily basis. He fears that 24 year-old Svetlana, from Belarus, could be falling in love with him - another reason why he is yet to audition for any explicit roles.

"I know I could perform in front of the cameras", Brian concluded, "but I'd be taking the money for all the wrong reasons. And if Svetlana thinks our relationship could survive an onscreen threesome she is completely delusional."

Brian then fell asleep whilst eating some pork scratchings.

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