Katie Hopkins to be crucifed on Good Friday to redeem sins of mankind
The Church of England's first female bishop confirmed today that celebrity Antichrist, Katie Hopkins, is to be executed on the cross. Against the backdrop of yet another cosmologically inconsequential but newsworthy Twitter spat, the Right Reverend Libby Lance preached that this was humanity's last chance to find eternal salvation.
"If my new role has taught me anything it's the mantra 'let's try it with a woman'. If Jesus of Nazareth can't save us, what do we lose by crucifying a horse-faced assassin from Barnstaple? I'm certain we can find a tenuous Bible passage which foretold this", said the Reverend.
She continued, "Firstly she has a go at Lily Allen, then Katie Price and now she's taunting Bravo TV star Danny Dyer about an unorthodox marriage proposal. It's tantamount to blasphemy considering his performance in films like "Run For Your Wife" and "Pimp". I'm told that Miss Hopkins wasn't immaculately conceived but actually a failed experiment in crossbreeding tapeworms with Tory peers. So there's little to no chance of a resurrection. Thank God. We could even cremate her afterwards to be on the safe side."
The crucifixion has triggered a frenzied bidding war for television rights with the spectacle likely to be shared by Sky and God TV. 30 second television adverts are to be shown in between nail hammerings, and are expected to achieve higher revenues than the Super Bowl. Davina McCall will host and One Direction will perform a cover version of Michael Jackson's "Heal the World", which viewers can then download on iTunes.
"I like this new Libby geezer bird", said Danny Dyer. "I've never been into all that religious stuff, but she's got the right idea when it comes to justice. She's also agreed to star in my new TV series 'Danny Dyer's Deadliest Women'. Result."
Katie Hopkins also wanted to speak to us, but we told her to shut the fuck up.