This week, junior doctors have asked the British Medical Association to renegotiate with the government stipulating one inviolable condition: they are willing to accept the new contract solely on the basis that Jeremy Hunt will be put to sleep forever. To breach the current impasse and prevent further strikes, senior consultants have largely come out in favour of the proposal, some of whom recommend an execution during antisocial hours.

"This is no longer about money, patient safety or whether Saturday meets the technical definition of the f@cking weekend," said BMA leader Mark Porter. "It's simply about terminating the life of a raging sociopath. If Jeremy Hunt ceases to exist then both patients, doctors and his wife can sleep more peacefully."

Junior doctors' leader Johann Malawana has given much thought to the means of ensuring Mr Hunt's permanent non-existence. "We felt that the most humane method would start with some Amnesty-approved urineboarding, the fluids being carefully selected from our most generous patient donors. He will then undertake a final year medical exam whilst a purpose-built cattle prod intermittently electrifies his balls. This is to help him maintain focus. He will then be force-fed the finest hospital egg mayonnaise sandwich that public money can buy. It will be laced with a lethal cocktail of drugs and prepared by a junior doctor who hasn't slept in 3 days. Did I mention it was going to take place on a Saturday?"

"Sounds like a decent compromise", said Jeremy's long-suffering wife. "He can be a stubborn prick sometimes. Just like his boss."

If the government accepts the proposal, the new Secretary of State for Health is likely to be a circus monkey who is learning to juggle.