Islamic State claims responsibility for climate change

Despite a scarcity of compelling evidence to link a terrorist organisation with a long-term shift in the planet's weather patterns, Islamic State has now claimed responsibility for climate change. In a public announcement on Sunday, the news agency Amaq, which supports the militant group, reported that greenhouse gases such as carbon dioxide, methane and nitrous oxide were 'soldiers of Allah'. The statement went on to describe rising sea levels, fires, drought and more frequent 'heavy precipitation' attacks as part of a coordinated IS response to target infidels who seek greener energy alternatives.

This claim of responsibility will increase pressure on scientists investigating average weather conditions. According to experts at the Potsdam Institute for Climate Impact Research, retreating mountain glaciers and record thinning ice caps have never been flagged for signs of radicalisation. There are also fears that flatulent cows have been brainwashed by IS ideology, and that the level of methane gas per fart could reach a tipping point.

However, Cambridge University climate expert Professor Nigel Clark has said that 'high-intensity hurricanes and severe flooding events had no obvious links to an extreme Salafi-Jihadist interpretation of Sunni Islam'. Additionally, allegations that an intense tornado in eastern Colorado shouted 'Allahu akbar' – Arabic for 'God is Great' – have been vehemently rejected by the FBI. Despite these reservations, in the global war against Islamic state, 'decarbonisation' is now being considered as part of the military campaign strategy for the first time.

"Our caliphate will never abandon coal-burning power stations or halt the use of combustion engines," declared IS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, after hailing the success of an extensive fracking operation in Raqqa. "We condemn the 1987 international treaty for the elimination of CFCs in aerosols, and I continue to liberally wield a Daesh own-brand anti-perspirant, packed full of the little buggers. No security measures will spare your eco-warrior apostates from the sharia-compliant fertilizer practices of the mujahideen."

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