A homeless man has deeply regretted changing his profile picture on Facebook. Last week, Gary Peters, 37, from York, made the rash decision to substitute a honeymoon photo with a drunken pub selfie. The seismic incident precipitated a chain of events, which he could not have foreseen, culminating in his eventual homelessness.
“I didn’t know it was such a big deal,” said Gary, after locating a bigger cardboard box outside an abandoned warehouse. “She’d changed the locks within hours of the update, and warned me to never tag her again. I’ve been trying to rebuild the relationship by sharing copious amounts of ‘On This Day’ memory photos, but she never acknowledges by way of emoticon. If she deletes me from Facebook, then I guess it’s all over. The kids don’t seem to have taken sides, because they’re still sending me online game requests.”
A homelessness epidemic is sweeping throughout the UK as naïve boyfriends and husbands recklessly modify their profile pages without thinking. A family man from Bristol, who inadvertently changed his relationship status to ‘It’s complicated’, is still missing after 52 days and presumed to be seeking asylum in Russia or dead. A newly single vagabond from Kent forgot to post a birthday message online to his wife of 15 years, despite organising a surprise party and buying her a brand new car. “Unforgivable,” his spouse remarked, as she mercilessly updated her background photo to a mountain lake full of geese, but devoid of husband.
“I’m all out of ideas,” said a destitute Gary, as he perused takeaway options on his soup kitchen phone app. “Hang on a second, what about a Snapchat dick pic?”