Hillary Clinton has told her closest advisors to draw up a shortlist of extramarital sex candidates to help consummate a White House victory. In keeping with family tradition, the Democrat’s presumptive nominee is privately adamant that she will engage in ‘improper physical activity’ with someone other than her spouse. Despite allegations to the contrary, the illicit affair would certainly not be ‘vengeful nooky in the West Wing’; instead, it would comprise a series of casual hook-ups, aiming to manage stress levels after salvaging the ongoing project of human civilisation from Donald Trump. 

“Her requirements to find ‘the one’ have been very clear from the outset,” said hopeful vice-presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren. “Intern. Firm buttocks. Male. 25 years old. Strong abdominal muscles. Muscular shoulders. Stud. Willing to try ANYTHING. No beard. That’s it. We are confident of finding that ‘special’ person who demands spur-of-the-moment sexual encounters with a mature stateswoman where no feelings are involved. He must also commit to using a private email server when planning romps in the Oval Office.”

According to White House insiders, the highest achievement for any US President is to be impeached, either through perjury and obstruction of justice, sexual assault or plain old corruption. Her husband and previous head of state Bill Clinton came very close in 1999 only to have his chances scuppered through acquittal in the Senate. Hillary wants to go one better this time, and she is receiving unwavering support from her former lover.

“That’s my girl,“ said Bill, after smiling wryly at an old deposition transcript where he had made repetitive false statements under oath. “Oh sorry are we talking about my wife now? Right, as long as she can discriminate fairly between State Department emails and classified sexting with her stallion, she’ll do just fine.”