Gym addict unable to construct sentence without saying 'protein'

28 year-old Jeff Parker is desperately trying to extend his English vocabulary after close friends reported his flagrant overuse of the word ‘protein’. The linguistic nightmare began 6 months ago when he resolved to ‘bulk up’ at his local gym – a decision taken to address personal concerns that he wasn’t showing an excessive interest in admiration of his physical appearance. Following a lengthy discussion with personal trainer Brad, Jeff accepted that protein shakes were the answer to all of his and life’s problems. Shortly after, however, he confronted the one shortcoming of this epiphany: a self-inflicted verbal cul-de-sac, where he found himself unable to finish complete sentences without referring to the complex molecule.

Jeff’s friend, Danny, spoke to us in confidence about the disorder. “It’s difficult to accept that conversations with your mate have become interminably dull. I couldn’t give a shit that Brad recommends 110 grams of protein per day to meet his increased caloric needs. And what the fuck is a kettlebell? Brad’s a tosser. I want my friend back.”

Further studies on narcissistic gym freaks have revealed the excessive use of other words such as ‘squat’, ‘glutes’, and ‘core’ in everyday conversation. Some sufferers have also been unable to distinguish between appropriate gym and workplace behaviours. In a particularly harrowing example, a Swindon-based insurance clerk had swapped an office chair for an exercise ball. In another distressing scenario, a solicitor from Grimsby was discovered rolling both shoulders forward in a circular motion…at her desk. 

Jeff is trying to combat his illness by reducing the number of full-length mirrors in his flat, where he spends most of his weekend posturing naked. Unfortunately Danny is no longer a friend. The relationship culminated in a physical confrontation in Pizza Express, triggered by a lack of ‘low-carb alternatives’.

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