According to an unconfirmed divine revelation, God has taken permanent leave from reigning supreme across the Universe. The news follows the democratic election of a misogynistic and racist sexual predator to the highest office on Earth: a minor planet currently governed by a barely evolved species of primate, known collectively as homo sapiens. The supernatural deity has apparently informed all heavenly bodies that He will undergo long-term psychotherapy with an expected return date in 2500 AD.
“I’m so desperate that I’ve started praying to myself,” remarked a forlorn God, as he lay on the psychotherapist’s couch. “Can you believe that? ME. GOD. PRAYING. TO MYSELF. Why did I ever grant this degenerate species free will? They cause me nothing but grief. I could trigger another earthquake, but it just seems so futile.”
A spokesperson for the Holy Institute of Psychotherapy commented, “We had to remind God that humans are only one pair of chromosomes away from being chimpanzees. Perhaps the fault lay in His own creation? We cannot expect too much from a species sharing 50% of its DNA with a banana. The takeaway from his first session was to have much lower expectations by adopting a more stoic philosophy. Or alternatively to start from scratch with an asteroid.”
Angels from the celestial realm are now likely to announce that godly benevolence, or grace, is a scarce resource, resulting in fewer answered prayers, more fatal operations and an increased likelihood of dispatch to Hell. Upon God’s return to work, some are speculating that His omniscient focus on Earth will have shifted from humans to waterfowl. This transition was prophesied in Mark’s New Testament gospel, known as the parable of the clumsy mallard, when Jesus restores vision to a blind duckling near the River Jordan.