Gay Catholics to remain in cages until Pope Francis clarifies position

Following last month's 3-week Synod, the Pope has still not provided a clear message on the future of Catholic homosexuals, thousands of whom remain locked up inside the Vatican. Conservative bishops continue to assert that God made Adam and Eve and not Adam and Sanjeev - a common Hindi boy's name missing from the New Testament. A UN resolution to liberate the prisoners through a military invasion has been singlehandedly blocked by Russia; critics allege that Vladimir Putin has still not come to terms with Eurovision 2014 being won by a drag queen.

Pope Francis explained, "My hands are tied. Each time I say something nice about the gays, a bishop warns me to pipe the fuck down. And the Lord has gone all quiet again, the spineless bastard. Sometimes I have complete doubt whether He even exists. I'll probably get bollocked for saying that now."

Liberals hope that there will eventually be a shamefaced revision of Catholic dogma, in a similar way to the 1978 Mormon revelation when God changed his mind about black people - only 15,000 years after the domestication of the dog. Traditionalists argue, however, that homosexuals should be subject to a gay tax, the proceeds of which could be donated to the Mafia through the highly transparent Vatican Bank. The financing would be analogous to the sale of indulgences - a medieval form of charity benevolently used to construct the palatial opulence of St Peter's Cathedral. A Vatican spokesman confirmed that the tax would not nullify the sin of homosexual behaviour, but it would help a variety of well intentioned mobsters to continue the Lord's work.

After dealing with homosexuals, the Pope must subsequently decide how to reintegrate divorced Catholics who are currently being detained in rehabilitation camps across Latin America. The outcasts, no longer able to receive holy communion, are beseeching the pontiff to overhaul the church's doctrine  - ideally before the earlier of the Second Coming and the entropic heat death of the Universe.

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