Following the new aviation minister’s announcement to tackle drink-fuelled air-rage, Wetherspoons has revealed plans for its Gatwick airport branches to offer heavily discounted recreational drugs. As aviation law only prevents passengers being drunk on an aircraft, the pre-flight sale of chemical substances to purposefully alter brain function is well within the organisation’s legal remit. According to the UK drug education service, FRANK, airlines will never have the right to refuse ‘pilled up’ passengers who experience profoundly disturbing states of unrelieved terror or a complete loss of onboard self-identity.

The popular pub chain also plans to launch a value deal called “Pill and a burger” whereby punters can blend a psychoactive drug with a selection of 100% British beef sandwiches. According to gang-sponsored medical trials, the best seller is likely to be a combination of methamphetamine and the Texan Gourmet burger - an intense ‘rush’ sensation being further enhanced by the smoked chipotle chilli. One tester, who initially shrieked that ‘it shits all over Big Mac f**king sauce’, vowed to double up on meth-spiked beef patties ‘next time’ before yelling that he was being ambushed by dragons with guns.

“Getting through an airport is one of the most stressful activities in everyday life,” said a spokesman for JD Wetherspoon Plc. “Without beer, wine or sambuca, how do you reward a group of lads ‘on tour’ who have fought to so hard to reach the departure lounge? 2 words: stimulant psychosis. A small yellow tablet with a smiley face can easily substitute that 6am pint of piss called Carlsberg. Our employees have also been surprisingly keen on the switch, helping us devise a range of LSD-based breakfasts and a heart-pumping non-alcoholic cocktail with ephedrine, soda and lime! Most impressive of all, we will now have a pioneering stock control system involving weekly meetings at a derelict warehouse with a fixer called El Diablo.”