43 year-old Islamic State leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has demanded a full refund of his subscription to online dating site "Jihadi Soulmates" following a first date in the occupied territory of Mosul, Iraq. After an exhilarating flurry of messages exchanged via the website, he told senior IS militants that username 'sharia1975' seemed like a good match. Upon their first meeting, however, at a Sunni-majority cocktail bar, he soon realised that her profile photos had been digitally enhanced.
He told us, "I'd reserved a table by the window with a picturesque view of a Shia mosque we had recently levelled. I arrived early, and to calm my nerves I ordered a double tequila. When the barman asked me if I wanted a tab, I shot him in the head. I never pay.”
He continued, "A few minutes later ‘Ayisha’ was sitting down opposite me. She was wearing a very seductive full-length burqa. But there was something wrong. Her eyes were brown and not green, and her eyebrows were much bushier than anticipated. I knew I had been betrayed. Before deciding whether she should live, I asked about her favourite household chores."
Ayisha commented, "For starters he had lied about his height which was nothing new. His profile stated 6ft but he was at least 10 inches shorter. When would I get to wear heels?! He was also quite arrogant and wouldn’t stop banging on about the benefits of living under a global caliphate. BORING! He took himself far too seriously. And I’m looking for someone more fun and easy-going to execute infidels with. Plenty more fish in the sea I guess.”
She concluded, “At least I didn't pay for any drinks.”