Failing student sues parents over 'unacceptable DNA'
A school pupil from Hull, who is at risk of failing his GCSEs this summer, has initiated a civil lawsuit against his parents due to 'unacceptable DNA'. 15 year-old Ben Jones is seeking £1.3 million in damages as an insurance policy against the prospect of long-term unemployment. If successful, this test case could have untold ramifications for family planning clinics across the UK.

"Dad's in prison for car theft, and Mum's just been sacked from KFC", Ben explained, whilst waiting to see the Headmaster. "And they both read the Daily Mail. What chance do my bloody genes have? Who can honestly blame me for trying to torch the school library?"

According to a government think tank, social mobility becomes virtually impossible when chromosomes breach a certain quality threshold. Human Geneticist Kenneth Fong commented, "I'm not advocating wholesale eugenics because I'd be labelled a raging Nazi but perhaps compulsory sterilisation for those with an IQ below 70? Call it a form of cognitive cleansing? Give me a break: we're NOT talking about genocide here. Nature versus nurture my arse! LOL!"

From his prison cell in Belmont, Ben's enraged father remarked, "That little scrotum was certainly paying enough attention in science class, wasn't he? I'm getting the snip."

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