Facebook friend count to replace UCAS points

Owing to further criticism from teachers and parents the UCAS tariff is now likely to be scrapped in favour of a social media popularity index. The radical overhaul has been proposed after lengthy consultation with a team of enlightened careers advisors. The new gold standard will be a transparent and simplified measure based on the candidate's number of Facebook friends. A-Levels are to be phased out and replaced by rigorous assessments on social networking literacy. These tests will examine a range of skills including: hashtag effectiveness, running app synchronisation, food photography composition principles and UK anti-stalking legislation. It is deemed self-evident that the mastering of these core competencies can lead to greater popularity and a top University place.

A UCAS spokesman clarified the rationale, "A-Level exam boards have not kept pace with an increasing demand for shorter attention spans and coursework essays restricted to 140 characters. Additionally, we are aware that primary school children and some toddlers now have regular access to iPads affording them an early start on friendship requests."

Meanwhile Oxbridge admissions tutors have lambasted the shake-up arguing that a demographic time bomb is on the horizon; initial studies reveal that ethnic minorities from poorer backgrounds tend to have significantly more friends than their public school peers. 

Cambridge Professor of Education, Dr Gould, explained, "This veneer of meritocracy is a cover for the systematic destruction of white middle-class privilege. What happens when an Eton candidate called Tarquin cannot get his deserved place at Emmanuel College because he only has 150 friends? It's socioeconomic apartheid with the ghastly possibility of a future state school Prime Minister from Lewisham."

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