A routine investigation into drug allegations against a fanatical bookkeeper has today revealed that a significant number of devoted financial accountants are doping in a bid to achieve peak performance. The scandal has sent shockwaves throughout the industry, and many senior auditors have gone AWOL in light of the continuing revelations. Anabolic steroids are class C drugs which can only be purchased with a prescription; in competitive professional accountancy, however, the use of these substances is banned due to the known side effects of severe acne and demented behaviour towards pocket calculators.
"I knew that my colleague was injecting steroids...", said Kathleen Hope of Massive Credit Bubble Ltd. "He blew everyone away in a gripping presentation about withholding tax. The PowerPoint slides were simply breathtaking, and I'd never seen him engage with such charisma before. Every member of the audience was transfixed, literally fawning and drooling over every accounting term he uttered. We can only speculate how he might perform on cocaine."
Some employers accept that the recourse to class C drugs is inevitable given the extremely merciless nature of financial statement analysis. Others condemn the behaviour of those selling dope near the stationery cupboard, under the guise of acquiring new highlighter pens. All parties agree that the profession must be cleaned up if it is to survive the 21st century.