Danny Dyer will appear on the next £20 note, it has emerged. The English actor will controversially replace artist JMW Turner as the Banknote Character Advisory Committee’s number one choice. According to Bank of England Governor, Mark Carney, the decision was not taken lightly, but due to new information revealing that he is a direct descendant of Edward III, combined with early reviews of his performance in film sequel “Run For Your Wife 2” - also starring 2008 X-Factor semi-finalist Diana Vickers. The new £20 note will enter circulation by 2020 and contain a high proportion of animal fat – a move solely designed to prevent vegans from binge-eating paper money.
Dyer responded to the news on social media: “Faaarkin ‘ell. This is stupid, innit? Can’t believe my smudge is gonna be on a twenty! I’m gonna treat myself to a massive ruff. I’ll never be cake-o bake-o cos I’m short on severe readies. But I feel like a proper geezer now, you know like proper. I just have to get this in my nut and move on with my life.”
A cockney translator revealed that Danny was shocked but pleased, and said that he would be celebrating later with a ‘crafty bump up the snout’.
Finally, the Committee had the difficult decision of replacing Turner’s quote “Light is therefore colour” from an 1818 lecture, to one which best represented Dyer’s body of work. The final shortlist consisted of the following:
“Am I French? How French am I? I know I look French and all that.”
“The missus has bought scented toilet paper, so I’ve been walking about with an arse smelling of cinnamon.”
“You could have a right rave in ’ere couldn’t you babe, eh?”
“Gonna watch a bit of Question Time, while munching on a toasted crumpet that's absolutely pissing with Marmite. Sophistication.”
“The geezer's got a drawbridge. Faaaaarkin’ ell.”
However, as Dyer is now a fervent royalist it was decided to use the quote about his favourite heroine:
“Helen Mirren. Even when she’s done up as the Queen I’d bang her.”