A retired and unoccupied mother has warned her 25 year-old son-in-law of 'untold consequences' if he prevents her from taking centre stage in his marriage. In a carefully worded letter, received only 2 weeks after the wedding, Mrs Patricia Barnes affirmed that 'there are 3 of us in this relationship now' and that 'bride and mother come as a package'. She also criticised son-in-law David and his new wife Emma for not embracing any of her wedding day ideas including: offering vegan guests a choice of 5 main courses, the extension of invitations to all 34 cousins, and placing a mother-of-the-bride cake figurine between the happy couple. The concluding guilt-laden paragraph explained how 'her decision to procreate and raise a beautiful child' had assured David's long-term happiness in the form of Emma. She urged that this benevolence be repaid with 'a daughter-back guarantee of at least 2 grandchildren over the next 3 years'.

An anxious David commented, "We were thinking of working abroad before giving kids a go. Pat must have got hold of the news...in her letter she threatened the 'irreversible loss of free childcare if you ever take my Emma to Sydney'. We're now receiving unsolicited correspondence about properties for sale - they're all within touching distance of Pat's house. She's a monster.'

Cash-strapped mental health services have been unable to cope with a soaring number of son-in-laws seeking professional help. To address the rising number of complaints an NHS think-tank will publish a booklet entitled 'How to silence your mother-in-law' before the spring wedding season begins.

David concluded, "Pat also sent me a home pregnancy kit with 'Tick Tock' scribbled on the box. I showed it to Emma who said I was being too defensive. I even asked Emma's Dad if his wife was being unreasonable. He told me to try living with her."