The dead body of a smug man, who was notorious for bragging about ‘Dry January’, has been discovered in a large industrial tank of malting barley. Adam Stone, 31, had been missing for 48 hours, and he was last seen gazing longingly through the window of his local pub. His germinated corpse was found during a routine inspection of a malt production facility in his home town of Fakenham.
Norfolk Police are not treating the case as a murder investigation after unearthing 23 cryptic suicide messages on his Facebook page. The final post read “Did I mention I was going teetotal?! #dryjanuary #thisisgoingtokillme”.
Toxicology tests have confirmed that Adam’s abstinence was swiftly undone by a chaotic orgy of beer and cocaine prior to diving headfirst into a steep vat of sprouting grains. The method of suicide is explained by his ill-fated love affair with a home brewing kit.
“People need to be aware of the risks of Dry January,” warned girlfriend Sarah Jones. “One minute he was snapchatting a kale and banana smoothie, the next he was drowning in malt."
She concluded, "That said, for Adam to die by asphyxiation amongst the basic ingredient of the brewing process was simply the best way to go."