Sam Allardyce has demonstrated the utmost humility in deciding to finally reject a £400k bung in favour of a £1m payoff from the FA. The professional integrity of the former England boss, who was previously a brand ambassador for ‘My Club Betting’, should never have been questioned. Unconfirmed sources reveal that he would use his winnings to launch an ‘ethical investment firm’ in the Far East.

Arguably deserving a bigger severance package for his monumental contribution to the English team, Allardyce allegedly negotiated the FA down to a modest £1m, explaining that money can buy people but not happiness. After 67 strenuous days in the job, including one whole 90 minute football match, his £8,219 day-rate has been deemed good value by a surplus of ultra-high net worth individuals and his agent Mark Curtis. 

“Once again Big Scam, I mean Big Sam, has shown himself to be of the highest moral standing”, said Paul Pogba’s agent Mino Raiola. “I accept he’s made a shrewd £600k net gain, but can you really question the ethical conduct of a man who has a football agent’s, I mean football’s, best interests at heart? Oops sorry – a couple of Freudian slips in there. Can I have payment now? Cash please. Yes pop it in that brown envelope."