Former world number one Maria Sharapova has shocked tennis fans with a second revelation: her extensive involvement in drug trafficking as head of the notorious Mexican cartel Damaso.
"I made another huge mistake," she began at a hastily reconvened press conference. "Not only did I persist in taking the banned substance meldonium, but I also continued to run a cocaine smuggling network worth over $50 billion. I would like to confess fully and can further reveal why some of my grunts surpass 100 decibels. The reason is twofold. Primarily, it has been a way of communicating ground level orders to my deputy, Hector Garcia. Secondly, I still have the remnants of cocaine pellets trapped in my oesophagus from my early years as a drugs mule. The high-pitched yelps help to regulate excess acid from any sudden ruptures."
Investigators are now scrutinising previous grand-slam matches to understand the relationship between her orgasmic shrieking and Mexico's drug war. They have compelling evidence that a succession of screams in the 2014 US Open quarter-final was the direct order to mercilessly execute 'El Chapo', lord of the rival Sinaloa cartel. Sharapova's pitiless trademark has been to dump the organs of her victims on a tennis racquet near the doorstep of the relatives.
Shamil Tarpischev, president of the Russian Tennis Federation, described the announcement of a provisional ban as 'nonsense'. He told Russian news agency TASS, "We think there is a laundry list of extremely mitigating circumstances: the unrivalled purity of Sharapova's powder coming into the US and the fact that she has overseen the killing of 3 drug barons on the FBI's most wanted list."
Sharapova concluded her press conference remarking, "Despite being responsible for controlling 90% of the cocaine entering the United States, I still hope to compete in the Rio Olympics."