Frustrated Mormon missionary prays that atheists will just fucking listen

A 19 year-old Mormon missionary has become increasingly angered at the reluctance of non-believers to save their souls. Elder White, originally from Utah and halfway through a 2 year mission in London, has continued to blame pornography and MTV for the failure of infidels to listen to his preachments. Despite the Mormon reputation for tolerance and humility, this devoutly religious teen has been unable to control his burning rage at the callous indifference of eternally damned heathens. His anger management problems, familiar to witnesses of a difficult baptism, have now resurfaced in the form of vicious foul-mouthed prayers.

His mission partner Elder Price commented, "He's certainly got a short temper, especially when the locals pretend they're not at home or cross the street to avoid us. I try to calm him down by reciting Alma 17:11 from scripture 'ye shall be patient in long-suffering and afflictions', but he's far too enraged and tells me to 'eat shit'. Elder White is the divine antidote to the view that young, beaming, well-scrubbed missionaries never say anything inflammatory."

In recent years, senior Mormon leaders have argued for transitioning to more modern forms of out outreach, such as social media, rather than the traditional door-to-door approach. Rather dismayingly however, Elder White's online access was abruptly withdrawn; this followed a demonising public rant targeting those with bleached hair, nose rings and boot-style bulky footwear. His excessive use of the Facebook poke was also not in harmonious keeping with the church's teaching on abstinence.

A local agnostic, who had encountered Elder White during a home visit, remarked, "He became apoplectic with rage when I questioned the historical validity of Jesus sailing to North America after the Resurrection."


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