A child from an affluent home is not yet struggling with substance abuse, it has emerged. Parents Greg and Jane White cannot explain why teenage son, Mark, always meets their impossibly high expectations, without recourse to illegal stimulants.

 “We gave him everything he could have possibly wanted: a sense of entitlement, designer clothes and huge wads of cash in return for top grades” remarked his father. “Yet we never find any skunk or acid in his bedroom. I fail to understand why Mark doesn't hate us. Yesterday, he gave me a hug."

 “He doesn’t even have an eating disorder,” said his Mum.