Human beings are really easy to live with, it has emerged. According to extensive survey data, everyone is likely to be your perfect housemate, and you will almost certainly live happily ever after.

The surprising results demonstrate unequivocally that nobody has any irritating habits such as pissing all over the toilet seat, pretending to listen whilst watching sport or constantly grinding one’s teeth. Statistically speaking, everybody is loading the dishwasher with freedom from verbal onslaught. The findings also reveal that having lots of children guarantees an optimally harmonious living arrangement.

“I’m really easy to live with,” said 38 year-old husband Mark White from London, after leaving his sixth half-drunk cup of tea on a radiator. “I’m fairly laid back because the majority of household chores seem to take care of themselves. I enter imaginatively into my wife’s mind to discover what she finds endearing. When I eat Doritos in bed, for example, I feel a palpable sense of understanding from across the duvet. I’m also very emotionally intelligent when she’s driving.”