Our Daily Bread - Entire country believes they are doing a great job

According to a recent survey, the entire country feels they are consistently doing an outstanding job at work. 100% of respondents confirmed they are irreplaceable because everyone else is so horrifyingly shit. The findings also highlighted the following:

- Everyone is not being paid enough for their astonishing contribution

- Everyone deserved a much higher rating at their last performance review

- Senior management are always catastrophically 'out of touch'

- Everyone should quit soon and then snigger at the inevitable demise of the company

- Everyone else is not pulling their weight

- Everyone agrees the new temp is completely useless but you still probably would

All participants scored themselves very highly across a range of soft skills and competencies including:

- Bringing personal issues to the workplace and using them in all forms of defence
- Allowing emotion to trump reason at every opportunity
- Gossiping continuously to spread toxic rumours
- Being consciously biased with reference to gender, age and sexual orientation

"The results are incontestable", said officer of the Institute for Uncritical Self-Reflection, Mark Johnston. "Everyone is just bloody fantastic at what they do. The statistics never lie. I am sure that nobody could do my job because they're all such brainless f**king morons. If I don't get a pay rise next year, I'm almost certainly quitting, but can you imagine the shitstorm that would follow? I'll probably stick around and just continue to be excellent."

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