Following publication of the Chilcot Report, Cherie Blair is profoundly and hormonally troubled by the disclosure of sordid messages exchanged between her husband and former US President, George Bush. According to close friends, Mr Blair has now been severely reprimanded for his failure to utter the same words ‘with you, whatever’ during post-coital snuggles. Cherie’s bitter jealousy has been further vindicated by the discovery of salacious snapchat communication, revealed in the tome’s appendix. In characteristic fashion, the former Prime Minister has leapt to his steadfast defence that the sexually indecent images were ‘taken in good faith based on intelligence known at the time’. Despite lewd photographic evidence to the contrary, he also continues to whinge that he is not ‘George Bush’s poodle’.

“I just don’t feel very special at the moment,” said a despondent Cherie. “Even though the report is 3 times longer than the complete works of Shakespeare, the impact of those messages on my libido has not even been considered. How does it feel to imagine that your husband would rather be fondling a Texan knucklehead's scrotum, than engaging in foreplay with me?”

In her own private agony, Mrs Blair has been poring over old birthday cards and letters to compare the language her husband has used. To her dismay, the most romantic sentiment comprised of the line: ‘Given what I know now, I would take the same decision to marry you.”

Other intimate messages revealed in the damning report signified irrefutable evidence that the blossoming 'special' relationship had entered a new phase, such as: “I will never abandon you Honey Bear”, “You complete me, Scud Muffin” and “Together forever Cuddle Cakes. PS aren’t the French just SO annoying? We know where to invade next! LOL! Love you.”