Air travel is statistically safer than giving your 3 year-old child a loaded gun. According to aviation analysts, when you compare the number of fatalities per aircraft, to the number of slayings per fully armed 3 year-old, we are in a golden era of aircraft safety. 2015 was the safest year on record with one fatal passenger accident per 4.8 billion flights; conversely, 2015 was the worst year on record for those, largely based in the US, who gifted their 3 year-olds with a pistol, as 17 out of 22 parents were executed – an impressive 77% strike rate. Unsurprisingly, many gun control advocates are demanding more hands-on training for weaponised toddlers.

“We felt that little Bobby was old enough to carry a 9mm Colt Defender,” said widow Mark Johnston, after tearfully watching a home video of his dead wife spraying bullets at a shooting range. “I turned my back for one second, and he’d discharged 2 bullets into my Anna’s beautiful chest. She didn’t die instantly, but mercifully held on long enough to hear Bobby’s first bittersweet words ‘Hasta la vista Mommy’”.

Despite the empirical findings, most parents still favour their chances playing militarised hide and seek with their offspring, over a scheduled flight across eastern Ukraine.