Wedding couple prefer expensive gift over your presence

A blunt wedding invitation has prioritised expensive gifts over guest attendance. Recently engaged Alex Simmons and Joanne Phillips  have asked all recipients to focus primarily on buying them prescribed luxury goods. The decision was made after a rigorous cost-benefit analysis, including a probability forecast of pissed-up Uncle Jack 'getting a bit rapey'.

"We omitted that customary bullshit line about only requesting your 'presence'," began Joanne, as she drew a big black line through 50 more names. "So we wrote the complete opposite. Our new kitchen won't fill itself with a Le Creuset deep saute pan, will it? Who is going to pay for the quesadilla maker, which we'll probably never use? Who is buying the stainless steel tuna press and the strawberry stem remover with built-in radio? The list just goes on."

"Did I really want to invite 36 cousins?" asked Alex, after considering a separate gift list for his Prague-based stag. "I don't even know their names. I think one of them is on death row in Florida. Why should I cough up £70 per head so they can wolf down beef fillet and get twatted on merlot? The least THEY can do is pay for our honeymoon in the Maldives."

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