Wayne Rooney has harshly criticised Roy Hodgson’s spoken French, following a recent public address. The England striker, known to teammates as a language snob and a stickler for grammar, derided his boss for a ‘risible phonetic charade’. He also tweeted a formal apology, on Roy’s behalf, to the Académie française – the official authority on the usages, grammar and vocabulary of the language.

The England manager had been speaking to locals in French during the team’s first open training session in Chantilly. His captain could be seen in the background, constantly shaking his head and grimacing with disgust. A professional lip reader has alleged that Mr Rooney whispered the words ‘c’est un spectacle d’horreur’ into Raheem Sterling’s left ear.

“The French language has an ardent dedication to ‘euphony’ or the quality of being pleasing to the ear,” Wayne told reporters, after asking Coleen to book his third and hopefully final hair transplantation. “Mr Hodgson’s guttural ‘R’ was a vocal travesty, and he should have been guillotined for his pronunciation of the silent ‘h’. It’s ‘amburger’ Roy NOT ‘hamburger’! And don’t get me started on his usage of ‘tu’ and ‘vous’ – it made me want to pull what’s left of my hair out.”