No-frills assisted suicide provider EasySnuff to shake up death industry

The assisted dying industry is becoming increasingly more viable as ‘no frills’ competition begins to enter the market. The decision to accelerate your demise no longer needs to be a financial strain, as contemporary service providers can fulfil the same mortal objective at a fraction of the price. EasySnuff offers considerable savings on lifelessness, with its just-in-time method of execution and its low cost infrastructure, consisting of solely a man, a gun and a mutually agreed location.

"There are some technical hurdles we face, specifically whether inviting a headshot meets the legal definition of 'assisted suicide' or 'premeditated manslaughter'," commented EasySnuff brand manager James Thompson. "We would also like to enter the UK market, but pre-agreed death is not even legal there. Why everyone gets so finicky and emotional about non-existence I'll never know! For goodness sake, just imagine what it was like before you were born. It's frustrating because our primary focus should be on increasing our customer death base through headstone advertising and graveyard flash mob campaigns."

Doomscanner is a new online pricing tool, which enables consumers to compare the whole market for achieving a permanent sleep. Those wishing to depart from this life are advised to book early and to take advantage of complementary offers such as engraving the bullet with your initials and a speedy will writing service. Customers longing for eternal rest can also purchase ‘unsolicited life insurance’ against the risk of their hitman choking at the very last minute.

"The demand for personal obliteration has been overwhelming, and it makes me very optimistic about the future," concluded EasySnuff sales director Tim Benson. "Lots of people clearly want to take advantage of heavily discounted oblivion. Our summer sale will also allow friends and family to take advantage of a new promotional offer: buy two bullets and get the third free, if you use an EasySnuff Mastercard. Terms and conditions will apply."

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