A brave London commuter has broken his neck after catapulting himself towards the closing doors of a Central Line Tube carriage. Tom Denton from Ruislip has no regrets about taking a running leap at two retracting plates of aluminium, despite having to wait no longer than 2 minutes for the next arrival.
Bystanders watched in awe as the insurance broker attempted to plunge headfirst into an irretrievably doomed airspace. Catastrophically fracturing his neck on impact, he ricocheted back to the platform floor as the public announcement 'Mind the Closing Doors' jeeringly reverberated around him.
"If I had to replay my choices, I wouldn't do it any differently", said Tom from his hospital bed, following complex surgery to remove a damaged intervertebral disc. "Even though I now have a titanium plate in my neck, I still believe it was a completely rational decision. I admit that it wasn't a Jason Bourne life-or-death situation, but who wants to be late for the Friday team breakfast?"
Neuroscientists have coined a new term called 'chronic stupidity bias' to describe how members of the human species fail to simulate probable future scenarios when conflicted by time, space and short-term perspective.
"I thought he might be one of those ISIS people", remarked 63 year-old tourist Margaret Evans. "But he didn't have a beard, and his manbag seemed light on explosives. I listened out for 'Allahu Akbar', yet all I heard was 'Aaarrrrrghhhh. Shit. Aaaarrgggghhhh. Shit. My neck. Help me. Please. Somebody help me. Aaaarrrggghhh'".
"It was all a bit melodramatic," she continued. "And that seemed to be the consensus as other commuters just continued to play on their phones."